“Tell Me How to Grieve” Thoughts on Leaning on Ceremony After a Death During the Pandemic

Reprinted from Center for Loss | May 15, 2020

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

 

This pandemic is replete with tragedy, but one Colorado story not far from my home has been weighing on my heart.

In the Huffington Post on May 7, 2020, Mary Hagen Roberts published an essay about the death of her precious daughter, Laura, who had just turned 33. Laura died not of COVID-19 but of cancer. Her death came much faster than they expected. In early April, the stomach cancer had spread to Laura’s lungs, but because her symptoms mimicked those of the novel coronavirus, she was given a presumptive COVID-19 diagnosis and hospitalized. For a time, she was alone, isolated from her fiancé, Brett, her mother, and even the hospital staff.

Laura was discharged from the hospital on Easter Sunday. But she didn’t want Mary, who is in her 60s and has Addison’s disease, to leave the shelter of her home and risk contracting coronavirus. The “damn virus,” as Mary calls it, kept them apart.

And then a bronchoscopy revealed that Laura had perhaps just a month left to live. Despite the threat of the virus, Mary packed a bag and on April 23rd got in the car to drive the four hours to Laura’s home. Tragically, Laura died that day, minutes before Mary arrived.

“I have no idea how to carry on now that she is gone or what to do with my unbearable sorrow,” Mary writes. “Tell me how to grieve when we are not permitted to have a funeral or memorial service, when the precious body of my child disappears into the back of a repurposed funeral home minivan, never to be seen again. I want the rituals of mourning that our society— that I—have learned to rely on to process grief.”

What a tragic, tragic situation. Grief is always difficult and complicated, but Mary is suffering heightened grief complications because of the pandemic restrictions. My heart aches for her. Not only did her child die, which as a longtime grief counselor and parent I know to be among the most excruciating of life experiences, but she and Laura’s other loved ones have been unable to hold a funeral. They have been prevented from adequately honoring Laura, and they have been unable to gather. They remain separated from each other, isolated silos of grief, without the comfort of mutual support.

Mary is wise. Her comments convey her understanding that funerals are essential because they help us meet our mourning needs. Funerals help us acknowledge and accept the reality of a death, share memories, convert our relationship with the person who died from one of presence to one of memory, give and receive social support, express our grief out loud, consider the meaning of life and death, and help us start to think about how eventually to live life forward with meaning and purpose.

Despite the common misconception, funerals are not rites of closure, because grief is lifelong. Rather, they are rites of initiation. They set us on a good grief path. And, as hundreds of grieving families in myriad complicated loss situations have taught me over the decades, it often feels impossible to embark on the grief journey in situations in which the mourners couldn’t be by the dying person’s side, spend adequate time with the body after the death, or hold the funeral they needed.

I often say that when words are inadequate, especially after a traumatic loss, it’s time to lean on ceremony. Ceremony provides a structure that holds us up. So without a funeral, what are Mary and the hundreds of thousands of families who have lost or will lose a loved one during the pandemic, regardless of cause of death, supposed to do?

First, I would suggest that if you find yourself in this heartbreaking circumstance, bear in mind that any ritual is better than no ritual. Spending even a little private time with the body helps mourners acknowledge the reality of the death and begin to make the arduous transition from having a relationship of presence with the person who died to one of memory. And holding any kind of immediate ceremony is helpful, even if it’s online or an intimate graveside committal.

But after the immediate ceremony options, which I agree are woefully limited and inadequate right now, ceremony can still be called upon to provide that necessary support. I don’t know Mary or Brett. I didn’t know Laura. I would never presume to tell Mary—or anyone—how to grieve and mourn. Each person’s grief is always unique, and each person is always the only expert of their own grief.

But I do understand, as Mary does, that grief rituals help us survive what would otherwise be unsurvivable. And I also know that it’s never too late to have a ceremony—and that especially in challenging loss situations, it’s often helpful to have multiple ceremonies.

 

Three Ceremonies to Foster Healing

I often recommend that families affected by traumatic death hold three additional ceremonies in the months after the death, spaced out over a period of about two years.

In this pandemic situation, I recommend a simple candle-lighting ceremony in your home as the first ceremony. Simply gather together with the members of your household and invite a few other primary mourners who have been sheltering in place if it’s safe to do so. Gather around a table on which you’ve placed photos and memorabilia of the person who died. You might begin your ceremony with a piece of music and read one or two short prayers or poems. Each guest can hold a small candle and light it as they share a memory or thought. A prayer, song, or piece of music makes a good close.

There are no set rules. Your ceremony can be religious or secular, in keeping with your beliefs. As long as the ceremony helps you explore all of the healing functions of the funeral, it will help you embark on your journey.

Second, I invite you to have a simple gathering as soon as it is safe to do so. Sometimes a significant date makes sense, such as the birthday of your loved one or the anniversary of the death. You might think of this as a memorial service, and even if you had some type of small funeral or online ceremony shortly after the death, you still have the right to plan and hold this type of in-person gathering.

The third ceremony is often best held somewhere between 18 and 24 months after the death, or about a year after the second ceremony. I often recommend a gathering at the cemetery, cremation garden, or final resting place. Again, readings, music, and memory-sharing turn an informal gathering into a meaningful ritual. Redosing yourself at this point with the purposes of the funeral—reality, recall, support, expression, meaning, and transcendence—is a powerful healing elixir.

 

When grief becomes mourning

Humans have held funeral ceremonies since the beginning of time because only ritual feels up to the task. The death of a loved one is a life-transforming event, and ritual sacredly acknowledges that significance.

What’s more, ceremony gives us something to do with our grief. It puts our inner thoughts and feelings—in other words, our grief—into motion. It helps us express ourselves in the company of others who care about us. It helps us mourn, which is the necessary outward expression of our inner grief. “I have no idea how to carry on. . . or what to do with my unbearable sorrow,” writes Mary. Denied the structure of ritual, she understandably does not know what to do with her grief.

In addition to the repeated use of ceremony (which can even be turned to informally, on a regular basis, in the form of personal daily grief rituals at home or in nearby locations), I humbly suggest that any form of outward mourning helps, over time, to reconcile grief. Talking to good listeners, participating in a support group, journaling, crying, seeing a counselor, putting together memory books or boxes, visiting the final resting place, and other mourning activities help us make the painful but necessary transition to life before a death to life after a death.

Our grief is our love in a new context, and like our love, sharing it and expressing it in ways we find comforting or meaningful—as much as and as often as it tugs at us—one day at a time— makes all the difference. I realize that being unable to physically gather and cry with others hampers some facets of this expression at the moment, so for now, Zoom gatherings and phone calls are the best alternatives we have.

I offer my sincere condolences to Mary and her family as they navigate this terrible time, as well as all other grieving families struggling with similar limitations during the pandemic. I hope you find ways to mourn openly, deeply, authentically as well as lean on ceremony now and in the months to come. Godspeed.

 

About the Author

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., is an author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many bestselling books on coping with grief, including Grief Day by Day, which offers simple, everyday grief rituals to help support mourners.  Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about grief and loss.

How to Grieve the Loss of a Loved One During a Pandemic

When a loved one dies, a funeral or memorial service is an important part of a healthy grieving process. While this ritual is a way to honor the life of a loved one and share your memories with others who cared for them, it is also the beginning of a new chapter for the survivors, the beginning of a healing process.

Sadly, we are hearing about so much loss during the COVID-19 pandemic. Some of us may know someone who has succumbed to coronavirus, yet every loss during a time without the foundation of our rituals is especially hard to witness.

Emotional pain may be compounded when a funeral ritual or memorial service cannot be held in-person or must be dramatically scaled down during this health crisis. Many funeral homes offer alternative or modified ways to honor your loved one, all of which can try to replace those critical first steps to your grieving process.

Funerals in the time of a pandemic

This pandemic certainly has changed how we say goodbye to a loved one. Still, the memorial ceremony is an important part of the grieving process.

While you may not be able to hold the funeral service or memorial you or your family envisioned right now, many funeral homes encourage families to still have a private goodbye with a smaller group of people, while observing social distancing guidelines. Burials can also be performed following the prescribed guidelines.

Another option offered by funeral homes is a virtual service. Many mourners are opting to set up a livestream or videoconference gathering, which allows a group of people from all over the country to experience a service while connecting with fellow mourners and loved ones as well.

Grieving families are encouraged to have an in-person memorial service at a later date in order to experience the important tactile comfort one gets from seeing and hugging your community in person.

Your funeral director can discuss all of the options for honoring your loved one to begin the essential grieving and healing process. Remember, it doesn’t matter how you honor your loved one, just that you do.

Seeking out support for your grief

Funeral home staff members are experts trained in helping families with the feelings they are experiencing during the time following a loss. Family members who call their local funeral home, like Memorial Funeral Home in Newport, Rhode Island, have access to a team of experienced professionals who truly understand grief. Immediate individual grief support is available. The current circumstances require compassionate understanding about how unique this situation is and how difficult it is to grieve without the social dynamic of a ceremony.

Each family’s loss is different, and the team at Memorial Funeral Homes can help guide your coping strategies and provide advice on reflecting in private, the importance of reminiscing with your family and friends — even if it’s on the phone or through videoconferencing. It is important to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions during mourning.

Get more help with grief from these valuable resources and sign up for A Year of Daily Grief Support from Memorial Funeral Home. You will receive a grief support message each day for an entire year.

Funeral Directors around the country recognize the seriousness of the coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak and are doing everything they can to keep their facilities, staff and the families that they serve safe. If you do decide to hold a small gathering, know that the space and equipment are clean and sanitized, and that they are implementing the necessary distancing practices.

The caring and compassionate staff at Memorial Funeral Homes are available whenever you need them, before, during and after the service. If you have questions about service options, please call 401-846-0698, so they can begin the process of listening to your needs and creating solutions that work for your family.

As seen on https://www.newportri.com/sponsored/how-to-grieve-the-loss-of-your-loved-one-during-a-pandemic/?prx_t=lMwFApwtDAmKMQA

Memorial and funeral service options during COVID-19 restrictions

We encourage you and your family to consider doing something together to recognize the loss, now, even with the restrictions we have in place. We have suggestions below that will help you recognize the life of your loved one and will help address your grief. As the guidance from the state changes, we will adjust what we can do, but our hope is these ideas will help you consider that something can be done, because something should be done.

We know from our years in funeral service and the research from experts in our field, healthy goodbyes make for healthier individuals, families, and communities. Most of these options are provided at no cost to you and your family, speak to your funeral director about how to make these happen. See the attached list of ideas our funeral professionals can help you put together now.
The Covid-19 virus has altered the ways we are able to perform services. Right now, immediate families may have a small gathering of five or fewer people to deal with the pressing reality of the death. We know it can be unsettling to delay the full services you want. When the current situation changes, we encourage you to consider scheduling the public service that your loved one deserves. 

These gatherings will get you on the right path to healthy grieving. They enable your friends and family to support you in your grief and readjustment to life lived differently. Until then, we hope you will consider these other ideas to honor the life that has just ended and bring you and your family together.

1. Livestream the funeral or memorial service. While some families may embrace this technology, others might find it daunting. We can provide this service now, through Facebook Live, YouTube, or Zoom
2. Organize a drive-through visitation at the funeral home.  Family can gather at designated spots at the funeral home, friends and guests are guided by funeral home staff to drive up to you and your family to pay their respects, a receiving line, but outdoors.
3. Organize with your friends and extended family a procession that passes by your home, or a safe location on the way to the cemetery. This option allows members of the community to get involved and pay their respects, respecting the distancing guidelines, and this is one of the few ideas with “active” participation for everyone.
4. Gather friends and family for an online group video call. Seeing family and friends and hearing their familiar voices is a valuable step toward healing – even via a screen. We can help set up a conferencing service if needed. Your family and invite participants to share a favorite memory or story about their loved one who died. Also, Zoom meetings can be recorded for replay or sharing later.
5. Create a video slideshow of photos, videoclips, and special music Go through the old family photos and bring up the newer ones on your computer or mobile device. Seeing the photos again at this time can be a wonderful family experience, and you can create something to share. Your funeral director can set up our photo slideshow system for you. Here you can create and share this special video online or order a memory book or DVD.
6. Share memories and photos on the tribute wall on our obituary page. The support and stories shared may provide a surprising amount of comfort. The process of collecting the photos is very therapeutic.
7. Create a memory table within your home.  Think of this display as the same thing you may have done at a visitation at the funeral home. Create a table with photos and memorabilia to honor your loved one. The process of gathering these items is as much a part of the healing as seeing the finished tribute.
8. Start the process now to create the public memorial service or celebration of life to be held in the future. Our funeral professionals and Celebrant Leaders can start the family conversation to learn what you want to do for a wonderful tribute to your loved one.  These unusual circumstances actually provide more time to create meaningful and unique components for the service.
9. Write a Biography.  A collaborative and carefully prepared story written with friends and family can be shared with the world. The time spent to paint the picture of their life with words can be therapeutic, educational, and rewarding.
10. Set up a memorial donation. More than ever, churches and nonprofits are in need of financial support. Your friends and family may offer a donation in your loved one’s name to their favorite church or charity and celebrate the mission of the help you are providing, in your loved one’s name.
11. Explore personal tributes that are fitting to your loved one. Examples include planting a tree in their honor on your own property, requesting a dedication plaque on a bench or tree in a local park. Many towns have these options already available. Look to an organization that was special and see if you can arrange for a tribute through them.
12. Eulogies and reflections can be shared via letter or by audio/video recording. Request from friends or family members to mail their letters or to have them record their eulogies on video or audio clips.  We can help your family with the equipment and the steps to organize into a single tribute.
13. Encourage the family to enjoy a beloved meal in their loved one’s honor. Grief experts and funeral professionals have long known the value to the family of  gathering to share a meal and memories at a reception. We encourage you to do the same from the safety of their own homes. A similar idea might be to share your loved one’s favorite recipe and encourage everyone to make this sweet treat on the same day.
14. Start the process of designing the headstone or monument for their final resting place. We can create a custom design and work with the funeral staff to plan an unveiling ceremony for a later date.

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Probate for the Rest of Us

Rhode Island Probate for the Rest of Us

Until 12 years ago probate was something that didn't impact my life. Then a family member died by suicide without a Will. My education in kindergarten, fifth grade, high school, college or even graduate school did not prepare me for the legalese of probate. I am not a lawyer or even a paralegal. This article has been vetted by one and draws from the Rhode Island Bar Association website content. In no way is it intended to be legal counsel. I want to demystify a corner of being a grown up that goes unexplained until you HAVE to deal with it.

Most grownups while they are alive have to deal with the stuff of life, including but not limited to insurance, rent or mortgages, credit card bills, some of us even have to deal with real estate or investments or business ownership. When we are alive and well, most of us manage passably. But what happens with all those financial and business things when a person dies? Probate is about dealing with the financial life of a person after they die which sometimes involves property and other assets (things that have value) as well as liabilities (debts).

One other word to decode before we tackle probate is the word “estate”. An estate, in this case, is the net worth of the deceased's assets. The estate is the sum of a person's assets – legal rights, interests and entitlements to property of any kind – minus all the liabilities at that time.

Probate can be tricky and lengthy or smooth and quick depending on the nature and complexity of the person's financial life. The purpose of probate is to make sure that if there is a Will, that it is legal and if it is, that the Will is followed properly. Having a Will may make the probate process quicker and easier as it is essentially a "rulebook" for the Executor or Administrator of how the assets are to be distributed. If there is no Will then the Rhode Island laws determine who inherits the assets and it may not be who the deceased wanted or intended. One other point that may confuse people is the difference between Executor and Administrator. In Rhode Island the difference is an Executor is a person appointed by the court from a Will and an Administrator is appointed by the court in a case without a Will.

Dealing with probate is like settling a tab. The court governed by the state wants to make sure the deceased person's tab gets closed out properly. The process is partly accounting and part law. Probate is needed to gather the things of value, protect those things, uncover and pay any left over balances/debts, and then figure out if there is any left over and who it goes to or if there are debts how they are resolved. May this help you be a more informed member of society.

Thank you to Cris Offenberg for her expertise in helping shape this article. Should you need her guidance you can find her at: http://www.silvalawgroup.com/dynamicattorneys/cristina-m-offenberg-esq/

How to write a NOT BORING obituary

When was the last funeral you attended or the last obituary you read? How were they? Were you moved by either event, or did you hope for something more? What if both experiences were fulfilling or you left knowing the person better, even deeper and cherishing memories long forgotten? What if death notices made us live better lives while we are here? Does this sound like too lofty of a goal for our final rite of passage? I don’t think so.

I have long been a reader of obituaries (obits), I inherited the habit from my great Auntie Elsie. She always read the paper each section, every day delivered to her doorstep. In the town from which my family hails there is a sweet tradition, when someone in town dies the bell is tolled for each year the person lived. Elsie lived to 91, the bell ringers arms were tired by the end. The old families in the town weren’t annoyed by the sound, just curious and pensive to learn one of their peers had died. How can we bring an old time sense of community and connection to our current day experience?

As a regular reader of obits, I often find them dry and boring, just the facts or fill in the blanks with an outdated formula that doesn’t always work with today’s families. Maybe the reason is because obits have become costly? Then shouldn’t we select our words more carefully with intention? To me it is worth the time and dollars to say to the world, ”this person lived and now they have died, everybody stop for a second, remember them and how precious life truly is?”

I do NOT want an obit to be fodder for scam artists which the old formula tends to be as it lists home locations (which will likely be vacant on the date and time of the service), maiden names as well as names of family often used to try to get passwords and account access.

Would you rather read about statistics or amazing life stories that inspire? What if we take back the obituary from the tedious formula and own it like the individuals we are? What if we take back death in general and it just begins with the obituary?

I invite you to think about your own obit today whatever your health state. How do you want to be remembered? What is a lesson you hope other people learn before they are too old to use the knowledge? What is your favorite memory? Do you have any regrets? Did you have any notable turning points in your life? What was your passion? Are there any secrets pleasures you enjoyed? How different would it be if you took the time to write your obituary to tell your life story as your final word?

For assistance call 401-846-0698 and ask for Kim or write me at kim@memorialfuneralhome.com.

More Lessons from My Job at the Funeral Home

I have been caring for my mother for eleven years. In the beginning I did not think about how I did it. I helped her shower, made food, paid bills, brought her to the doctor, filled prescriptions and did just about anything she needed. I didn’t think or worry about the money or time I invested, I was just immersed in my role as caregiver. This is often the case for many caregivers. If this describes you or someone you know please keep reading.

Then a lawyer friend of mine asked me some probing questions about how I was administratively handling my mother’s affairs. She suggested I consult an eldercare lawyer. I already knew it was important to have a Power of Attorney in case something happened to my mother’s ability to make decisions for herself.

What I did not know until working for a funeral home was that Power of Attorney ends when someone dies and reverts to “the state order of custody”. State order of custody has nuanced meaning depending on the complexity of relationships, in general there is a hierarchy. When Power of Attorney ends (meaning time of death) and no Funeral Planning Agent has been designated, the power of the deceased’s affairs goes first to a spouse, then to adult children, followed by parents and finally siblings. If the deceased has no family in those categories there is a protocol to follow. An attorney or funeral director will be able to guide through the appropriate legal formalities. Another phrase during funeral arrangements is “next-of- kin”; it is often used interchangeably with the state order of custody. Next-of-kin is a person’s closest living blood relative. The next-of-kin relationship determines responsible parties for the deceased’s remains, especially if there is no spouse and/or no children.

Understanding how the state order of custody /next-of-kin works is especially important if your wishes include cremation. The cremation process is irreversible and final. Many funeral homes, including ours, require all parties in the same category to sign for approval of the cremation process, i.e. five adult children, all five must sign. If both parents are living, the signature of both parents is required. Rhode Island is a state where all members of the same class must sign, other states follow a simple majority rule. These requirements are to protect both the families and funeral homes from potential legal action. State and local laws may vary as well as individual funeral home policies. These are critical points of information to comprehend before embarking on this endeavor.

It is possible to pre-sign cremation authorizations for yourself or your loved one prior to death. One way to avoid confusion and delays after someone dies is to make an appointment with a funeral director today. Conversations with family are always a good start followed by a meeting with an attorney or funeral home staff who can help demystify the rules and regulations.

How to Treat a Grieving Person

I am now 2 years out from the unexpected and traumatic death of my husband which means countless people have lifted me up and cared for me when I could not do it myself. In and among those wonderful helpful friends and family there have been some responses to my grief and mourning that were not just unhelpful, they were hurtful. Given recent national conversations around grief I feel the need to say something about what words people said to me that were most supportive and highlight some responses that did not work for me.

The societally accepted, “sorry for your loss” feels empty most of the time, people say it because they do not know what to say. The word “loss” doesn’t even cover or touch upon what it means to have a death in your family or close circle.

In the United States it is common for people to be uncomfortable talking about death, as well as being around someone who is suffering because of a death. I did not really know this until I was confronted with it. The silence can feel awkward and uneasy, filling the void is what most people feel inclined to do. Thinking about our own mortality is disquieting. Most people would rather pretend life can go on the same as before, but it truly cannot. My husband will never be there to hold me when my mother dies or when our son gets married. He will not ever leave his tools all over the house or put the sifter away in the wrong place. He is not here to forget my birthday. He is not here and never will be again. Imagine that about your own people for just a moment. What would you need or want? It will be different for everyone.

I must disclose my extreme level of extroversion which impacted my needs. If the person you are comforting is not an extrovert they may need something different. I did not want to be alone like even for five minutes. I had time slots (which was organized by a friend using a helping hands website) of people visiting for at least a month after he died, 4 different visitors each day, every day. We walked a lot, often in silent tears. Those visitors had different skill sets. Some were doers who helped clean the basement or went through the files to figure out what to keep and what to shred, others helped me with the seemingly infinite technology based to do’s or still others cooked and brought meals, not that I could eat. Others held me while I cried, others slept in my bed and petted me, and some just talked about their normal lives when I needed a breather from the anguish, still others simply listened. Some people shared memories of him which were at times a comfort and sometimes painful, but necessary for me to get where I am today. Dear friends held my hope when I misplaced it and could not believe I would ever want to live again. Many supported my getting professional help when I needed it which included: doctors, therapists, massage therapists, acupuncturist, chiropractor and eventually an inpatient stay for atypical anorexia.

As far as kind and cherished words go, say something that you know to be honest and comes from a kind, loving, heart centered place. Was their laugh unforgettable? When did you meet them? What will you always remember about them? Favorite thing they used to say? Piercing dark eyes?

Please do NOT say: “Everything happens for a reason,” or “God needed another angel,” or “At least he/she is not suffering anymore.” or “When are you going to get over this?” or “Don’t cry. He wouldn’t want you to be sad.” These words sting, slash and burn those of us who are missing our deceased loved one or maybe not so loved one. We, if I may be bold and speak for all grievers for a moment, do NOT need more hurting. Please be a dear and try to minimize our hurting by taking to heart this advice. Pat phrases you got on the internet or saw on a TV show do not help our healing. Be real with us, I beg you. Please do not turn away from the pain we are brave enough to show you. Someone may thank you and say you saved them on that super hard 16 hour crying jag day. Grief is the fingerprint that loves leaves behind.